Don’t ask the internet

I have to imagine that parenting was easier back in the day, because of what people didn’t know. That may sound like a weird statement, but hear me out.

When a mom had a question 30 years ago, who did she turn to? Her mom/siblings, her friends, and maybe her doctor? She probably had one resource book about babies or parenting (maybe), and could of course go to the library (but who has time?). So she had maybe 10 people tops giving her advice, some of which was bound to be the same because families tend to handle parenting things similarly. So she’d throw out one or two unhelpful suggestions that didn’t fit with her parenting style, and then had one or two valid, helpful options left to try.

When a mom has a question now, who does she turn to? She MAY ask a family member first…maybe a friend, but I bet 90% of the time, she turns to the internet for a quick google search, or to social media. And either of those things will give you 100 vastly different answers, 25 reasons that you’re doing it totally wrong, 10 parenting book suggestions (that “changed their life”), and 5 drastic examples of the worst case scenario – things like “my aunt’s, cousin’s sister did this and her son he slept in her bed and/or wet his pants until he was 25” or “my neighbor’s, friend’s, brother’s daughter had a cough that sounds like that and it was leukemia – go to the ER now!”

I’m a member in a few facebook groups – some buy/sell groups – some of which have turned more into advice/venting boards, and a few local groups which range from just regular area moms/dads – to cloth diapering – granola-style parenting (which I say with love because I’m part-time granola). We have the cloth diapering down pat and I realized that a portion of the granola moms who were constantly posting and commenting were actually just crazy – and another portion was incredibly judgmental of anyone who chose any non-granola tactics, so I’ve unfollowed those groups from my newsfeed so that I don’t see them unless I go to the group page. They were a wonderful resource at times, but I don’t want to see that stuff unless I need it. I’m still in the other groups – which are specific to our immediate local area – and they are fantastic for community resources, but anytime someone asks a question pertaining to kids at all, all hell breaks loose. The one group has banned asking any questions that are related to medical issues in any way (thank god), because people were out of control with their horrible advice (I’m not a Dr., but I play one on TV) – or turning to that group when they CLEARLY needed to seek a Dr. opinion ASAP. And then people would argue about the different advice given, and make the person who posted for feeling like shit for letting things get to that point (whether medical, behavioral, sleeping issues, etc.), because “I wouldn’t have let it get to this point in the first place because I know everything and my kids are perfect (even though everyone else probably thinks they are complete a-holes, or at least thinks their parents are)”. Sometimes I’m surprised at what these people ask in these groups – that they seem willing to take advice from complete strangers. This isn’t their personal facebook page where their friends and families can weigh in – it groups with hundreds of members….judging you.

And we don’t even need to get into seeking advice from Dr. Google – everyone knows that’s bad. I’m not going to deny googling medical symptoms/advice (on a monthly basis), but when I do so, I know most of the stuff that I’ll find is complete garbage or not even close to what I’m experiencing. So when I emailed Lo the one day and told him that I have melanoma under my thumbnail and my right hand was going to be deformed in a few years because of a lump on my palm, I was knowingly exaggerating, but still planning to see my doctor about these things because they were possible. (turns out, I was right about one of those two, but that’s a post for another time – and I don’t have cancer or anything life threatening).

There’s also a huge number of parenting “experts” who have written books and/or websites because they’ve realized what a cash cow these things are for modern day parents. And their “systems” and advice is the ONLY valid way, and if you do anything differently, you are going to scar your children FOREVER! And they will hate you. Or they will love you so much that they will never marry because they won’t know how to leave you. Go ahead…ask for baby sleeping advice on a parenting board. You’ll have 100 comments and people will tell you that “this” book changed their life, or that doing “this” is the ONLY thing that works, and strong opinions on both sides of the cry-it-out method..that it will ruin their lives forever because they will either become detached sociopaths who will marry someone abusive if you let them cry longer than 30 seconds Or they will never sleep if you don’t let them cry it out and hold them all of the time or let them sleep with you. Ever. Even when they are 70 they are not going to be able to fall asleep without being rocked and sung to. So good luck. There is no happy medium with parenting experts, and they have brainwashed parents into thinking that they need to follow one method exactly.

An aside: usually the super strong opinions are from moms who only have one child, or only used this method with the last child and it happened to work. Or if they used a certain method for multiple kids and it didn’t work for one, they have a “real” reason why…like he had reflux – otherwise it would have worked. They don’t seem to recognize that some babies are more easy going or adaptable, while others are just more difficult (which they would actually blame you for making bad choices), and you may have to use different parenting styles/methods with your kids. Also, people like to use all caps when they are talking about parenting because this way is the ONLY way and they want to make sure you KNOW it.

So anyway, while it’s nice to have millions of opinions and suggestions at your fingertips at 3 a.m., you then have to wade through millions of opinions and suggestions that aren’t going to be helpful and are just going to make you panic. So it’s actually not-so-nice. Ask your mom, your sisters, your friends, your coworkers…but don’t ask the internet. Trust your instinct, call your doctor…but don’t ask the internet.

Am I guilty of this? Heck yes. But I don’t like to just take advice without doing research, so I end up spending unnecessary hours seeking research and evidence (I’m actually such a good researcher that people will ask my opinion on things, knowing that I’ve either already researched it, or will do so and report back, so they don’t have to). For real..I’ll spend hours. I once spent hours reading about circumcision because a group discussion spurred worries about our choice. I watched videos that both supported and were against it (DO NOT DO THAT). I worried about what we’d do if we have another boy and hoped for a girl next. Luckily, I’m totally over it now (am blaming post-partum), I don’t question our decision, and I would be thrilled to have another boy someday. Just another example of how far out of the way the internet can take me away from my natural beliefs and instincts. So this is a reminder to me too….

Don’t ask the internet.