Random Musing with “Valerie Bertinelli”

I’ve had a lot of random thoughts and happenings lately and I thought I’d share

  • On donating blood:  I scored the higher than ever on my iron test to give blood – 15.1!  I was so excited!  I used to fail almost every other time and would be really disappointed that I couldn’t donate.  I would try so hard to eat extra red meat and spinach for the few days leading up to the donation day and would still fail.  I realized that I’ve passed every iron test since I’ve gone gluten-free.  Iron deficiency is a common factor in gluten allergies, so I guess I shouldn’t be surprised!  If you haven’t donated blood lately – PLEASE do!  I know a lot of people find it unpleasant or inconvenient, but how would you feel if one of your family members needed blood and there was a shortage of their blood type?
  • On watermelon:  I was cutting a watermelon up on Wednesday and there was one little piece that had this weird little separated round section and I thought – this watermelon is pregnant!  Loren walked out in the kitchen a few minutes later and started telling me something and I blurted out “Hey – this piece of watermelon is going to have a baby!”.  I think he just said “oh”, and then started telling me whatever he was saying before.  He probably doesn’t even remember me saying that, but I don’t remember what he was telling me afterwards so it’s fair.  He’s used to randomness from me.  Today I was driving after yoga and I was starving as I always seem to be after yoga and thought to myself “I could really murder some watermelon right now”.
  • On baby powder:  When I left spinning today and walked through the lobby of the hotel that my gym is attached to, there was a beautiful woman checking in to the hotel.  She had such an amazing body – muscular but feminine and gorgeous long black hair (surely a hairpiece or extensions, but still).  I got in the elevator and it smelled so strongly of baby powder.  I immediately thought – “oh, she’s a stripper”.  You know, the smell of baby powder, glitter, and broken dreams?  Oh that was rude…I should have said exotic dancers.  But seriously, I have no problems with strippers – I’ve actually gone to more strip clubs than my husband!
  • On Valerie Bertinelli:  I went to Marshall’s today to do a little shopping and while I was in the dressing room I heard this HUGE fart.  I almost yelled – Oh my God!, but I managed to keep my mouth shut.  I was thinking that it had to be an old lady.  Sometime after age 75 grandmas just start letting them go.  They either don’t know they did it or they just don’t care.  I was glad I didn’t say anything because I knew it must be an old lady.  When I finished trying on clothes and came out of the dressing room, there was an old lady standing there in hot pint pants with her shirt hiked up to just below her bra (by the way, granny panties are called that for a reason, there was only about an inch of skin showing between her undies and her bra).  She had a really round middle (as elderly people often do) and these skinny little legs.  The conversation when something like this:

Old Lady:  What do you think of these pants on me?
Me:  Oh, I think they look great!
OL:  Really?
Me:  Yes, that’s a great color on you and they look really nice.
OL:  (whispering) These are a size 14!  I tried on the 12 and they just didn’t fit at all.
Me:  Oh, the sizes are weird in this store, so don’t worry about that, the fit is all that matters.
OL:  Yeah, so and so (she actually said a name) always told me to never go by the size on clothing, just worry about how they fit.
Me:  Yeah
OL:  I really like the skinny legs on these.
Me:  They look great with your thin legs!  (they did look really nice on her legs, but to me the waist looked huge and since her stomach was round and the pants hit her right at the rounder part, I had no idea how these were going to actually stay up on her.
OL:  (pulling her shirt down to where it belongs and apparently reading my mind about the waist issue)  I never wear my shirt tucked in so I think this will work.  I hate having a shirt tucked in.
Me:  Yeah, me too (this is true)
OL:  (heading back into the dressing room) Ok – thanks Valerie (long pause while all of these thoughts ran through my head of how she could possibly know my name) and then she said “Bertinelli”.
Me:  (still stunned) Oh, my name is actually Valerie
OL:  REALLY?!  Is it Valerie Bertinelli? (followed by kind of a maniacal laugh)
Me:  No.
OL:  Oh, okay – thanks for your help!
Me:  You’re welcome – bye!

When I brought another stack of clothes back to the dressing room a few minutes later, I heard someone walk into the dressing room calling out someones name and then I heard the old lady said “I’m in here”.  Her companion said – “Are you okay?”  She said “Yeah, Valerie Bertinelli helped me pick out some pants”  Her companion said “Oh…okay…thanks Valerie Bertinelli.”  I could definitely hear it in her voice that she thought this lady had lost it.  As they were walking out of the room I heard her companion ask the attendant, “were you helping her?”  She said, “no I just got here, but there was another girl around here.”  Then I heard the old lady mention something again about Valerie Bertinelli and I couldn’t hear anything else as they walked away.

It was just a strange interaction and I kind of wanted to take the old lady home and take care of her forever.  She was adorable in that “I’m old and probably don’t always make sense” way.  And I hope I’m buying hot pink pants when I’m 85!

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